small black box tied with silver ribbon

Tying the little box up with a ribbon

My Mum died. In December last year, so it is still a very raw feeling. We had an amazing relationship, very close. We could talk about anything and we did. We could sit for hours with a cup of tea for her, coffee for me and we would go around the world, figuratively, fixing things.

The other day i was walking my dog Storm, on our route we go up to the cemetery and walk along the pathways there before walking along the main road back home. This day we were wandering along and i was looking at the grave stones when i realised that the actual graves of the older burials were sinking and that a large portion of the headstones had fallen over. Which got me to thinking, if you bury someone you love, leaving a lasting memorial wouldn’t the family keep that grave in good order and what did it say for the older graves, had all of the family moved away and it made me sad and a little mad. Not just because no one was looking after these memorials but also because i couldn’t go home and talk to Mum about it.

She would have recognised the names and she would have had a little anecdote about the family but she was the last of her generation in our family so there is no one who can hold that conversation with me and it caught in the back of my throat, brought tears to my eyes, i had lost my friend as well as my mum and i wont ever be able to get that back again.

My husband said ‘talk to me’, i tried but it wasn’t the same, i feel like all of the conversations we would have had are now stuck just under my breastbone not able to come out and it is so frustrating. I loved our talks and we continued them right up until she passed away, now i need to find a way to have these conversations with someone else, to put those i had with mum into a little box and tie it with a ribbon to put up onto the top shelf to be remembered another day and to find a new way to hold long conversations about life with someone else.

4 thoughts on “Tying the little box up with a ribbon

  1. I know exactly how you feel, I lost my mum 6 years ago. It still hurts, I still cry in fact I have tears in my eyes now because I really needed her recently and since moving to our gorgeous new home I have no friends, no family so it’s just Malc, myself and the children.
    I find it hard to trust as I’ve been hurt and the one true friend who I cherished got funny with me when we moved as I couldn’t look after her daughter anymore as we are an hour away and she hasn’t spoken to me since. My dad now lives in Malta and although he phones 17+ times a day he just repeats the conversation we had half an hour ago!!
    Malc is amazing and we can talk about anything but he’s not a woman and I miss the chatter and laughs that only women can have.
    It’s currently 01:14am and I picked Tia up from a sleepover just after midnight as she wasn’t feeling well, my little mini me and my mini best friend is currently in my bed beside me blissfully unaware of my overwhelming protectiveness I have for her (and Jake of course)
    I now understand how my mum felt, but the huge difference is/was that mum and I were never that close, she was old-school and scarily strict which is something I vowed never to be around my own children.
    I hope that for the rest of our time together that Tia and I will have an unbreakable close bond where she feels she can ask or say anything to me.

    Family is very important to me, I don’t have any Uncles, Aunts or Cousins of my own which is sad really. I really hope that Jake & Tia grow up knowing their distant Cousins, Aunts & Uncles because one day they will have their own family and I would be so proud to know that our 2 could look back on their childhood and say it was loving, fun and surrounded by family x

    1. I think thats what every parent wants, for their child to have happy memories and i can see you are doing everything you can for the pair of them:)
      I feel now that i have truly become THE MUM now that my Mum has died, i no longer live under her shadow, i do miss her but because i have nursed her for over 8 years with cancer i knew there would ultimately be an end no matter what and i think this has helped me with my grief.

      1. We all admire you Karen and I know Malc wishes we lived closer to you.
        When my mum was diagnosed with cancer we only had a few months and she was in the hospice for the entire time, when the time came I just wasn’t ready, it seemed to happen so quickly.
        Jake learned to ride his bike on the Saturday so the hospice staff shut the car park off so we could bring the kids down with their bikes so mum could see Jake ride his bike on the Sunday and on the Tuesday she was gone!
        Malc has just said to me we really need to see you again, we feel so bad for not coming up last year but we promise you we will come up when this horrible covid has settled xx

      2. Dont feel bad Kelly, life happens. Dont think anyone is going anywhere for a good while yet, im just waiting for the flu season to start and then i think we will see more cases of covid and be right back where we started. I love looking at the posts of the kids and your new home looks amazing!Take care lovely xxx

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